Well guys, it’s been an intense year… 60 flights, 34 cities, 16 countries, and a lifetime of experiences encompassing the highs, the lows, and everything in-between… What’s the lesson behind it all? What did I learn in a year? Below are my 8 biggest takeaways from 2008.
1.) Happiness is not found, it’s grown into.
2.) You are more than enough – show it…Loudly. Always strive to be even more.
3.) Give generously and genuinely to those around you. Whether they reciprocate or not is irrelevant.
4.) Set goals and work towards them. Recognize the journey is always more rewarding than the arrival.
5.) Cognitive dissonance is key – treat yourself like you value yourself and the world will follow your lead.
6.) The Self Is Always Shining Through – people are more intuitive than you like to think. People will always see the truth in who you are… luckily who you are is entirely in your control.
7.) Polarity is the great balancer – be willing to be disagreeable and standoffish when the times call for it… all of your emotions are relevant, don’t feel like only some of them are acceptable.
8.) Above all else look to yourself. Go First – don’t ask for permission to do or be what you want. Be the beacon that others can look to as well. Whether they do or don’t is irrelevant… a lighthouse is always there shining regardless of whether anyone’s watching.
Best wishes to everyone and thanks to all who made 2008 possible. I can only hope 2009 holds a candle to this past year.
Hey Fellas, today I want to talk about over-gaming - the single most common and most detrimental problem most community guys have. Over-gaming is especially common since many of same traits that enable a person to improve quickly in the early stages remain active as the guy reaches an intermediate level, now working as a detriment rather than an advantage. Ask anyone who’s made it to an advanced level and they’ll tell you the later stages are about removing pieces and simplifying the game, rather than adding more on – or put more succinctly you might get an answer like “game is for chodes”…
Note: This article assumes in the reader a certain degree of game proficiency and is intended for intermediate to advanced guys.
Over-gaming stems from the idea that you have to “do” to be attractive – that you have to “game” to get girls. Well in the beginning this is certainly true – if you’re not a naturally outgoing person forcing yourself to get out there and meet people is an active push. Self-diagnosing weak points and working on them is a cognitive process that enables some people to rapidly develop and hone their social skills, while others seemingly stagnate. Ironically,the entire mental process of actively improving one’s game is diametrically opposed to the mindset needed to reach an elite level – the “I am the Game” mindset, and because thought patterns are addictive, once one entrenches themselves in this pattern of cognition and calibration outgrowing it can be one of the game’s biggest challenges.
So then, what is over-gaming and why is it so detrimental to one’s game?
Over-gaming is the external behavior pattern stemming from the internal belief that one needs to actively ‘game’ in order to get the girl. Interestingly, it’s root cause varies depending on what stage in the game the guy is.
For beginners, over-gaming is most often caused by either a failure to recognize attraction or MORE LIKELY an inability to accept that the girl actually likes him. For whatever reason, the guy keeps ‘running high-octane game’ and the attraction rapidly fizzles out as the girl recognizes the dancing-monkey behavior as most likely low self esteem on the part of the guy.
For those approaching intermediate level, over-gaming can often be traced to an addition to attraction and reaction. The guy has reached a skill level where he can frequently trigger attraction in girls and as a he is HOOKED. Attraction becomes like a drug and he NEEDS his fix – he spikes attraction over and over until the girl’s circuits eventually fry like the FemBots in Austin Powers. (More commonly the girl recognizes the guy’s failure to shift out of attraction as insecure, but either way…)
(Admittedly I spent some time in this phase though for different reasons. As a young hotshot eager to make a name for myself I’d go out not to pull but rather to show off – as a result attraction became the focus.)
And for those approaching an advanced level – those for whom this article is written – over-gaming is a product of habit. Your social skills have reached a high level but your internal identification with your new high value is lagging behind. As a result there is a massive incongruence in your actions – you carry yourself as a high value guy, but your belief system betrays you and reveals to the girl that ‘something is not right here’.
(Note, this is also EXTREMELY common in good-looking community guys, as they often look massively incongruent when trying to run “high octane game”. The example I give here is if an average girl were to be approached by Brad Pitt in a bar. Her heart rate shoots through the roof, but then Brad starts doing something weird. He starts pumping attraction, running high octane game, even going dancing-monkey. Now I want to ask you… how fucking weirded out would the girl be?? Her question would be “Why are you being like this??”
Well, as a guy who resonates high-value sub-communications, ‘running game’ can be equally ‘off’ and even work to weird people out. At this level in the game, Less Becomes More.
Sort of like wasabi on sushi – if it’s crap wasabi you need a lot…but the better the wasabi, the less you use, and any amount more becomes too much.
This is a concept I’ve been dancing around with for a while now, but it really crystallized for me a little while ago when interacting with an incredibly hot girl that I literally pulled away from rock stars. At one point we’re talking and she threw out the quintessential congruence test – “I don’t like your shirt”. I looked down at my shirt and genuinely said “Really? I got this in LA, I think it’s rad.” I chuckled a little bit inside as in conventional community dogma this is verbatim what NOT to say…
Her response: “Oh no, I didn’t mean it, I’m just giving you a hard time, I’m really sarcastic” as she grabbed me and started grinding.
Let’s dissect possible ways this could have gone. I’d already interacted with her for 10 mins so she knew what kind of guy I was. Suppose I’d instead still felt the need to ‘game” at this point:
Her: “I don’t like your shirt”
Me: “And by that you mean you don’t like it on me and you’d like to see it crumpled on the floor next to your bed, woah slow down!”
Her: “OMG HAHAHA”
Here I certainly spiked her, and game wisdom says I built attraction and such – BUT, THE VERY IDEA THAT I “BUILT” ATTRACTION IS PREDICATED ON THE NOTION THAT I DON’T ALREADY HAVE IT!
She laughs and thinks to herself “ohh, this guy’s funny” or “ohh this guy’s hot”.
Great, that’s certainly a decent place to be – at least at a beginner or intermediate level. But fact is, at an advanced level this is shit - Merde.
Let’s scrap the game – realize that you are the 10.
Her: “I don’t like your shirt”
Me: “Really? I got it in LA, I think it’s rad”
Her: ”Oh no, I didn’t mean it, I’m just giving you a hard time, I’m really sarcastic”
Now she thinks to herself: “Fuck, that was a dumb thing to say, I need to tone down the sarcasm and start being sweeter”.
Of course these emotional reactions are based on the idea that she already knows you’re a money guy. Here let me ask you a question… When you’re talking to a girl, how long does it take you to realize that she’s hot? Well… what makes you think it takes her any longer? (note: if you can’t distinguish between ‘physically good looking’ and ‘hot’ than this article is not for you)
Realistically in the example above that one response to 1 statement by her will have an inconsequential effect – but you combine the net effect over 1, 5, 10 minutes of interaction and the effect becomes profound.
As you become a money guy You Become The Game. Being YOU is the best way to be – any time you’re not being YOU, anytime you ‘run game’ you’re actually straying away from being that 10 out of 10.
So if this sounds like you, next time you’re in set and that pause comes don’t rush to fill it. When you feel the vibe dropping don’t rush to revive it. When you sense your brain darting to access the perfect response like you’ve done a thousand times before, tell it to chill. Take a pause. Bring ‘Chode’ Back.
Tyler is famously quoted as saying “Attraction is the easiest part of the game – the hardest part is getting the girl to think she actually has a chance with you”.
Well, in this regard, Less is More. The self is always shining through – be confident letting it show, knowing you don’t need to ‘tell’.The girl has an idea in her head of how getting a money guy should feel, how it should go down… be the guy that gives her that experience – don’t be ‘Brad Pitt running game’
You’ve made it – it was easier than you thought. Recognize you’re here, on the other side now, so stop acting like a chode… because at this point, it is ‘acting’.
I know I’m long overdue so I wanna drop an update and a quick thought.
Since my last blog-post my world has been crazy.
For starters, I took a week off for a much needed vacation on the RSD Executive Retreat. The Executive Retreat is a twice a year event where the crew gets together to unwind in different exotic locations around the world. For this retreat the crew headed to the South of France and partied it up in Nice, Cannes, and Monaco.
The Crew in Monte Carlo
It was awesome catching up with the guys and it definately got me recharged for all the big things that are coming.
From France it was off to Germany for the last bootcamp of the Eurotour - concluding 6 months of living on the road. The Eurotour was definitely the most worthwhile experience of my life and had some pretty profound effects that I’ll write out in another post…
Helsinki, Finland
As amazing as it was, I’m definitely glad it’s over and happily settling into what will be “home” for the next few months:
Chicago: I signed the lease on an awesome apartment in a great location and am enjoying setting up what looks like a normal life. I taught my first bootcamp back in the US this past weekend and really had a blast with the guys - not only was I there instructing, but Papa, Abercrombie, and Derek all came out to assist.
At one point on Friday Derek and Abercrombie were flirting it up with two girls - very cool to watch as both these guys are really on point - and I saw a very small point that I want to dig into here.
So Abercrombie opened 2 girls and was chatting with them when Derek came in to wing 1 of the girls. Derek and Abercrombie immediately zeroed in on their respective girls and proceeded on their own path. Everything looked good until a few minutes in when Derek took a hold of his girl’s hand and started leading her to the bar in the other room. While being tugged away the girl reached out and grabbed her friend’s sleeve to let her know where she was going.
Abercrombie’s girl perks up and clings to her friend, unsure of what’s going on - Abercrombie recognizes this and starts trying to reoccupy her attention and put her at ease so that she’ll let her friend walk off with Derek. He succeeds at this, Derek takes his girl to the bar, and Abercrombie and his girl continue interacting - now in full isolation.
Thing is, when watching this something really jumped out at me. Derek had set a chain of events in motion - he initiated a strong lead which his girl reacted to - the girl’s friend was then pulled in and Abercrombie followed on the tail-end. So essentially Derek was the initiator and Abercrombie was the reactor. In an instant, Derek set himself up as top dog, and Abercrombie - while being a great wing - set himself up to play second fiddle.
Young Derek and Abercrombie
This is a tiny-tiny distinction and realistically the above instance by itself would hardly make a difference in the interaction as a whole - but it really exemplifies my understanding of PU as a whole. Basically what it comes down to is:
He who is most on his own path, least reactive to his surroundings is the most attractive.
Consider - how often are you being the INITIATOR? Are you usually the one setting pieces in motion or are you on the tail end of the chain?
Let’s dig a little deeper into the above example… suppose Derek went to pull and instead the girl didn’t comply. Suppose she instead reached out, grabbed hold of her friend and insisted that they were staying together. Fact is - this is STILL the right move - because at the core he’s initiated motion based purely on his own desire and the girls are behaving purely in reaction to the motion created by Derek.
On Abercrombie’s end, when he saw his girl getting nervous he sped up his verbal pace and changed his rhythm to keep her attention focused on him rather than her friend. Here his course of action is being purely dictated by external circumstances - by his read of the girl’s emotional state created as a result of the motion started by Derek. So what could he have done instead? Well, suppose we threw a blindfold on Abercrombie - he doesn’t see Derek pulling, he doesn’t think “ok Derek is pulling I need to pick up the pace to keep my girl occupied”, he proceeds with his path remaining unchanged - he leads with his own rhythm instead of adapting his rhythm as a result of Derek’s lead. The result? His girl’s emotional heart rate jumps when she sees her friend being led away. She tries to read the situation - is this ok? Is it not ok? - She looks to Abercrombie and sees him continue on his own rhythm not even acknowledging what’s going on. His lead tells her this is totally ordinary, not even worth acknowledging. She feels a bit more at ease, obviously this is totally normal, it’s not even significant enough to make Abercrombie skip a beat. The girl calms down and re-syncs to Abercrombie’s rhythm. Derek leads his girl away and proceeds in isolation. She sees Derek as a leader. Abercrombie stays with his girl on his own rhythm - she sees Abercrombie as the leader, proceeding on his own path unreactive to what Derek does. Both girls feel happy with the guy, each one feeling like they’ve got the ‘catch’. Everyone wins.
Of course I’m being nit-picky here and both these guys have extremely sick game. But from this you can see how winging dynamics can often set 1 guy up as the “top dog”, and in a larger context how being the initiator is always more attractive than being the reactor.
I’ll put out a more formal breakdown of this concept in the future as it’s an incredibly profound concept that really is a very base concept upon which much of our understanding of game is built.
What a week… kicked off the blog with a bang and got to party with Alex in Stockholm. Guys, when I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread in Cafe Opera.
While running bootcamp this past weekend I had some thoughts about forward motion - actually moving a pick-up to the close rather than simply spinning your wheels or staying in set just for the sake of staying in set. So here goes…
When I step to a girl, I’ve got a clear idea where I want it to go and what needs to happen for me to get there. It’s not a complex process, but the fact that I’ve got it clearly outlined in my head keeps me on track and moving forward. Often I see guys in set stagnating or even moving backwards – simply aiming to keep themselves in front of the girl for as long as possible rather than working to progress in a given direction.
So then, when I’m out I’ve got a VERY simple recipe that I know if I mix all the ingredients will get me a tasty result… The ingredients are as follows (not necessarily in this order).
1. Meet and begin interaction with girl. (Opening)
2. Show I’m different from other guys – break the mold. (Through frame and subcommunications)
3. Establish flirt frame. (Through teasing, spiking, and IOIing)
4. Attract her. (Fluffing, vibing, sub-communicating and attracting)
5. Escalate physically and verbally.
6. Let her feel she’s gotten to know me (Sometimes necessary, sometimes not)
7. Close
So far this should be common sense – assuming you see how each of these pieces constitutes a necessary piece of the puzzle, the question then becomes what are you doing to actively move forward…
See most guys do something like this; they go meet the girl (1), start getting her to like them (4), keep getting her to like them (4), maybe escalate a bit (5), then go back to (4) and stay there until it’s “it was nice meeting you”. The guy usually then switches over to (8 - turning to the internet for more attraction material) and (9 - complaining about how he can’t close) – ignoring the glaring question of “WHAT DID I DO TO PROGRESS TO THE CLOSE?”
On the other hand, at a mastery level these pieces actually blend together – so for instance opening with a claw “God you’re gorgeous, I had to meet you, I’m Ryan” if pulled off right can take care of (1) (2) (3) (4) and a little bit of (5) all at once. Assuming my delivery here is perfect, it would actually be COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE to spend the next 10 mins in (3).
Just like if you’ve already made out with a girl you wouldn’t go backwards and re-open the girl… If the girl already likes you and you’re escalating it’d be equally counter-productive to go back to “attract her” (4).
When I’m out talking to a girl, my focus is not to flirt, not to attract, not to open… I’m there to close. As such, I view all the other pieces as steps on the way to the close… I’m not thinking “what can I say to keep her talking to me” or “I wonder if she likes me”… I’m thinking “I want to close.”. From there I do 1 of 2 things… I either escalate and try to close (5) and (7) – OR if experience and intuition tells me I can’t I look back and say “What’s missing? What piece to I need to cover to get the close”.
So then an interaction for me looks like (1) (2 – a little bit) (3) (5) (7 – doesn’t work) (4) (7 – still not yet) (6) (7 – nope) (4) (7 – almost now) (2 – all the way now) (5) (7) Success.
The whole time I’m working for the close, actively trying for the close – and when the close doesn’t happen I look back, consider which of the previous ingredients is lacking, add more of it, and try for (7) again. Trying for the close is a gauge for me, it lets me know if I’m there now – if not it lets me know where I am, and it further tells me what’s missing.
Quick Tangent on Closing: Most guys aren’t even going for the close…they think if they bounce around in (4) enough the close will magically happen – and even if they do go for the close they do so as a do-or-die move, they bounce around in (4) for an hour, try for (7), if it works great and if not they view it as a fail and give up trying.
If you’re always succeeding at the close on your first try it means you’re not trying enough! Just like in basketball if your shooting 100%, it doesn’t mean you’re a great shooter…it means you’re not taking enough shots!
-End Tangent-
The whole interaction is constant forward motion… no time spent or action taken simply for the purpose of passing time – rather everything is intentional with a constant forward motion applied.
This is why at this point in my game if you give me enough time with a girl there is honestly no way I can fail. If it’s not on in 5 mins, give me 10. If after 10 I don’t have it and you give me 10 more mins…I’ll get it. And if I can’t get it by then, give me 20 more and you can bet I’ll have it.
And when you think about it – if you’ve got a working model and are moving forward there’s NO REASON why ANY GUY should not be able to get ANY GIRL if given enough time.
A PU is a journey from A to B… there’s a clear direction to move in to get to your destination. Sure it’s great to stop and smell the roses along the way but this ain’t no flower walk, we’re going somewhere so let’s get moving on the way.
Today I want to talk about using silence to your advantage – as a way to show your comfort in the situation, to introduce a sexual element, and to get the girl contributing. One of the most common mistakes guys make is they get so happy just to be flirting with a girl that they go into motor-mouth mode… constantly talking never allowing for silence.People do this for 2 reasons… 1 they feel like they need to keep putting out content simply to keep the girl, and secondly they are uncomfortable with silence so they resort to filler-speak to fill the gaps.
The fact is, leaving silent pauses in your speech serves a number of purposes…
1.)It shows you value what you say. You speak only when you have something to say… not simply just for the purpose of saying words.
2.)It sets a sexual tone – a silent pause is a great way to build sexual tension… if you and a girl are enjoying eachother’s company while no words are being spoken, it means you must be enjoying each other on a non-verbal level.
3.)It communicates your expectations – it tells the girl you expect her to contribute to the interaction and shows her that you are a man with expectations.
4.)It puts the girl in her head. You know that feeling you get when you feel a silence coming and your thoughts start racing to fill the gap? Well, girls feel the same way… put her into this headspace and she’ll rationalize “look, I’m searching nervously for something to say…I must like this guy”.
5.)It shows a high tolerance to social pressure. Put simply, this is an attractive trait.
So then, what are some different times one can use pausing in an interaction to maximum effectiveness:
Early in the interaction:
You ask the girl a question, she responds with a short answer. i.e.
“Where are you from…?”
“California”
…pause…
“Oh, just south of LA”
Right here you very clearly communicated your expectations and got her operating on YOUR PROGRAM, and not the other way around. You wanted a specific level of detail when you asked the question, and your pause prompted her to conform to that level.
When the girl asks you a question…
You know how in movies, the guy (or girl) says something incredibly romantic and both characters pause and look deep into each other’s eyes? Like “You had me at hello Jerry McGuire, you had me at hello…” Well, truth is moments like this almost never happen in real life – BUT, we can simulate this and give the girl a similar experience.
Girl: So how long have you been in Europe?
Guy: (Silence…pause…hold eye-contact)
Girl: Ummmmmm, sooo…
Guy: (Continues pause)…
Guy: 4 months.
Girl: oh… (most likely fully in her head by this point so she’s not really gonna have much to say)
And just like that, we’ve created a moment that left the girl speechless That’s right, you ever hear a girl say something like “He just looked at me and I was speechless”… well this is how you do it.
Mid-Story
Guy: So it was crazy, this polar bear is catching up to me and I’m running as hard as I can when I start to…
…pause…
Girl: Start to what??
Guy: (silence and eyecontact)
Girl: heh (nervous laugh)
Guy: damn, you’re…(pause) right, so I’m running and this thing is catching up…
Man…this one is insanely powerful. The amount of sexual tension that can be built with just a few seconds of silence is infinitely more than any amount that can be accomplished with words.
Mid-Game:
A lot of guys make the mistake of over-gaming – essentially they output and output and output, never asking the girl to contribute back. Understand that the longer you output for the more the girl goes into Receptive Mode. If you’re motor-mouthing for 30 mins it means you’ve built 30 mins of momentum with you talking… from here getting her out of Receptive Mode and contributing is going to be extremely tough.
While going talkative can sometimes be necessary to reach the hook point, it’s important to break that momentum once you have hooked – to get her contributing on a more equal basis. To do this, SIMPLY STOP TALKING. There’s going to be a pause in the conversation. It’s going to be weird. She will start talking to fill the awkward silence. She is now INVESTED in continuing the interaction. She’s not only receiving, but also outputting in order to keep the interaction moving forward.
The End Game:
Later in the interaction silence is what anchors the girl to you. As long as you’re talking she’s being kept with you by your words. Once you stop talking and she stays, it means she’s being kept by something beyond your words… acknowledging that something unspoken exists between the two of you.
Guys this is HUGE – if all you’re using is words and ACTIVE measures to get the girl, the instant you leave her side – and stop actively gaming her – her feelings for you begin to deflate since she does not have any feelings anchored to you in a passive frame.
Meaning – going passive is necessary to anchor your standing with the girl. This is a whole nother concept for another article, but here lets touch on how silence can be used as a passive anchor:
After you very clearly have attraction and a degree of escalation you go silent. The girl will do 1 of two things based on her own self esteem as well as how much she likes you. She’ll either
Let the conversation go completely silent – OR – she’ll go into talkative mode.
In either case, your response is the same – you stay silent but confident, allowing your non-verbals to say “we’re past the chatty stage…nothing more needs to be said”. If the girl stays silent she’s essentially acknowledging that you and her are on the same page – that you’re TOGETHER.Or, if she goes talkative it’s likely gonna be in the form of her qualifying herself… basically her feeling like she needs to GAME YOU and doing so.
In either situation your case is greatly furthered and from here you can relax…you’re on the home stretch.
When Escalating:
A natural reflex to social-pressure is getting talkative – using words to release tension and de-escalate, often happening as a direct result of escalation. Now remember the central pillar of PU – What You Feel She Feels.
So a key mistake a lot of guys make is going talkative while trying to escalate because of the nervousness they feel. When you do so it reveals to the girl that you are in fact nervous, she thinks “hey this guy is creating a situation he’s nervous about…there must be something not right in this situation, I’m going to put a stop to it”.
Other times even if the guy doesn’t go talkative, the girl does and the guy starts responding. In this case the girl is indicating her nervousness and the guy – by following the girl’s talkative lead - is essentially buying into that nervousness and making it real.
Instead, even if the girl goes talkative silence can be used to assuage the feelings of nervousness – remember silence indicates comfort in a given situation, so the girl thinks “hmmm I’m a little bit nervous but he’s completely comfortable…there must be nothing to be nervous about.” – Essentially this amounts to Emotional Leadership through passivity.
Adding Emphasis and Intensity:
In addition to the examples listed above, silence can be used at any point during the PU to spike the emotional seismograph and add emphasis and gravity to any given situation.
So for instance take even the cliché question: “So what do you do?”…
In typical context this looks like:
Girl: Yeah I’m wearing these shoes because I came here straight from work.
Guy: Oh so what do you do?
Girl: I work in a dentist office…
What’s going on here is the guy is using the fruitless subject of shoes as a means to gain rapport – WEAK SAUCE.
By incorporating a pause however:
Girl: Yeah I’m wearing these shoes because I came here straight from work.
Guy:(Pause)
Girl: (uhhhhhh)
Guy: (Pause)… Ok… what is it that you do?
By pausing here the guy has ended the thread about shoes – so when he asks the girl what she does he’s doing so from a position of genuine interest, rather than hiding behind the shoe transition.
Bottom line – of all the things you’d like to communicate about yourself to a girl, a good number of them can be communicated more effectively through silence than through speech.
Get comfortable in silence; make your speech that much more meaningful, and start Creating Moments.
The other day when walking down the street I came upon an interesting situation… I arrived at a crossing and joined a crowd of around 15 people waiting for the green light indicating it’s appropriate to walk. I stepped to the curb and looked left – no cars…looked right – no cars… and strolled across the street. The crowd hesitated for a moment then followed my lead, about 10 people crossed and 5 waited another minute for the light to change.
Of the 10 that crossed, I had an interesting realization… all were thinking the same thing but none wanted to be the first to cross, to take the responsibility of first action. So instead all 10 stood there, paralyzed by inaction, following the lead of others. I again was reminded how much we all live to avoid individual responsibility and how much we seek the comfort found in following the lead of others.
This principal forms the basis for the idea of social proof – essentially if a girl sees other girls attracted to you she assumes it’s for good reason and quickly finds herself attracted to you…naturally following the lead of others.
Beyond Social Proof
We are constantly pinging, looking for subtle cues to indicate how others in the past have behaved. So for instance, if you were to say hi to a girl then cringe and protect your head, the girl might naturally assume that in the past saying ‘hi’ to a girl got you slapped. And on the flip side, if you say ‘hi’ with a big smile on your face, the girl will likely assume that the last time you said ‘hi’ to a girl good emotions were served your way.
So to the girl in that situation unsure how to react, she essentially looks for cues from you to indicate how others in the past have reacted, clues to the kind of life you lead – giving her a lead to follow. This is why we stress the abundance mentality – essentially girls follow the lead of others and continue feeding the abundance in your life.
So then, as you initiate an action your expectations project outwardly, to a huge extent determining the results you get back. This happens on a 1-to-1 basis as shown in the ‘hi’ example – you say ‘hi’ and smile – girl assumes others have reacted positively in the past and thus reacts positively.
When we talk about the abundance frame however – we’re going beyond a 1-to-1 correlation by indicating our life experience beyond 1-to-1 interactions.
It’s no coincidence that there’s a strong correlation between guys who are positive and guys who get laid. Put simply, your attitude is a girl’s first insight into your reality – it lets the girl know what kind of life you’ve led and whether you come from a position of abundance or a position of scarcity. Every situation is viewed through a lens of our own choosing… those that come from a place of positive reference experiences generally adopt positive frames… those with negative experiences do the opposite.
Consider this example – you arrive at a club to find the entry line stretching down the block. In front of you in line are 2 cute girls. You turn to your mate and say:
“Great, I told you we should have left earlier…look at this line, we’re never gonna get in…”
What you’ve communicated here is: “I’ve been turned away from clubs many times… things in the past have a way of NOT working out for me which is why I worry about things like getting to the club early.” Beyond that, you’re indicating your value in relation to your friend’s value – “I told you we should have…” means you’re operating on your friend’s time-table rather than your own.
As a result, girls think: Chode.
Now let’s take the flip-side… You arrive to find the long line…
“Alright awesome! Looks like it’s gonna be a crazy party inside.”
And in an instant you’ve communicated that life has been good to you…that things work out for you. That you’ve never experienced being turned away from a club and that you come from a life of abundance. Your reality is attractive and all the sudden it becomes a reality the girl wants to be a part of.
The fact is, both realities are accurate – waiting in a long line does suck, and a long line IS usually indicative of a good party. Which reality you choose to acknowledge – or which lens you peer through is fully under your own control.
So when a drink gets spilled on you at the club, you can either say “god damn it… this is gonna stain, it’s an expensive shirt, what an asshole”. OR, you can say “Haha nice… It’s crazy hot in here, a cold drink down my back is exactly what I needed…”
In either case your shirt is still wet…so the choice is yours, you can either be the guy in a stained shirt standing alone, or the guy in a stained shirt with a girl.
In the end just remember, your lens – your ability to positively reframe – is the biggest insight you give people into your previous life experience. And since everyone is looking to follow the lead of others… let them know that your life experience has been a good one
Do you ever feel yourself slipping into “Chodeversation”? Like “what’s your name…where you from?…oh cool, I grew up near there myself…yeah but then I went to school in…” Yuk times! Let’s talk about making it fun… lets talk about unpredictability and spiking…
Talking to me is like walking on ice – no one can predict where I’m going…or anticipate where to step next. Why?…because I say what I want, when I want – free and unbounded by social convention. I bring the truth. What is the truth? Well, the truth varies… but as a guy talking to an attractive girl…let’s not kid ourselves
Too often do I see guys slipping into “chodeversation”… going interview style, or talking to the girl to simply keep the interaction going, rather than acting through intent and leading the interaction. Saying what’s really on your mind and bringing SPIKES.
How do you spike? Well, simply put - a spike occurs when you introduce a sexual frame in a seemingly random way at an escalated energy level. Got it? That’s right… increase the energy level (get excited), change the subject, and make it sexual. 3 steps to a spike
So common example… Girl: Right so I really wanna open a shelter for puppies with eating disorders so that they can… Guy: Wait wait wait! I just noticed this dress you’re wearing…turn around let me have a look at you!
Now, interestingly enough - spikes usually come from a place of truth. So when this gorgeous girl starts rambling on about deforestation in Arizona and you feel your thoughts start wandering in a naughty direction, that’s your spike material right there.
Keeping it unpredictable
So then, let’s take a look at an example I had lastnight…
The girl I’m chatting to asks a lame question - I know where things are headed. I can either go down that dark and dull road, or instead I can make it fun and bring the spikes. Here’s how I played it…
… Ryan: oh cool, yeah that’s an interesting dress you’re wearing…(or whatever random thing I was saying) Girl: Thanks, where are you from?
So then, this could go downhill very quickly. In a past life I would have said something like “oh I grew up in DC but then lived in England for a while and bla bla…” Boooooorrrriiiiiiiinnnggg…
Then I learned “Game”…so it became “Guess!”…LAAAAAAAAMMMEEEE
Let’s get to the fucking point already!
Ryan: oh cool, yeah that’s an interesting dress you’re wearing…(or whatever random thing I was saying)
Girl: Thanks, where are you from? Ryan: Yeah I am single.
Spike
I’m not here to waste time…I don’t need to go through the pleasantries, as it’s been put elsewhere, “I drive diagonally across the lanes”. Let’s get down to business, shall we…
And the dance begins…
The Dance Begins
Girl: Haha what!? No I asked where are you from!
Think you know what’s coming next?
…
… Ryan: Christ, you’re too cute, what am I gonna do with you…? Girl: (who is this man!?!?) Ryan: Ok that’s it, it’s decided…I’m keeping you.(hug and kiss)
Guys, this is how you go beyond talking to a girl…how you CREATE AN EXPERIENCE.
I’ve had enough chodeversations to know they’re not fun. So when I feel the conversation sliding in that direction, I put a stop to it right then and there…to do this I change the subject and get down to the truth of the matter.
What is the truth?
Well it can vary but usually if I’m approaching a girl it’s because I think she’s hot…duh! And if I think she’s hot than a whole slew of other ideas come to mind And once my thoughts go there, you can be damn sure I’m not gonna slide into “oh cool…so where are you from?”
Now, obviously there is a time and place for getting to know each other…but only AFTER you’ve set a sexual frame for the relationship - and one tool you can use to set that sexual frame is… that’s right, SPIKING
See guys, we’re not bound by convention. We have no obligation to stick to threads, take things slow…or even MAKE SENSE for that matter. We do what we want, when we want. We say what we want, when we want! So cut the BS-filler-speak, keep it unpredictable, and bring out what’s really on our minds. Make it fun!
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